-Deep post alert- (3 minutes)
Was sitting in front of this gate and thought about how accurately this position depicts my current season of life. Maybe you’ll relate.
If I said that I’ve been “sitting back” or “sitting comfortably” on the sidelines of life I’d be lying. Truth is, for the past decade I’ve been nose-to-the-grindstone, hustling. I’ve been run ragged, pressed to the bone; I lied, cheated and stole. I’ve been to the depths of darkness; hopeless, full of self-hatred and disgust, wishing I was someone else- anyone else- as long as she was thinner. But thin was never thin enough. I’ve been on both sides of disappointment, abandonment, rejection, bullying, criticism, and ignorant judgements in the name of faith. I’ve been on my knees in puddles of tears and snot, pleading for mercy and I received grace. I’ve dreamed and given-up dreams, learned to walk by faith and to love without expectation. I’ve been unemployed and seen miraculous provision, learned to be a servant before becoming a better leader and was stripped of pride and clothed with humility. I’ve been forgiven, redeemed and completely transformed. And all of that came with a price.
At points, the price came as a large slice of humble pie to the face of my unchecked ego. [🤤...mmm...pie...] A good deal of the time it came as great discomfort; of choosing to be vulnerable with others instead of concealing my hurts, allowing them front row seats to the process of my healing- my ugly cry and the painful, ugly truths attached; stepping out of my comfort zone and into places where I felt exposed; wanting to get married, yet letting go of relationships with good men- not because we weren’t getting along, but because prayer revealed the increasing distance between our paths in the future; letting go of *my* idea of just how my life should look as it pans out and looking to God for guidance and direction, even though it doesn’t seem to make any sense humanly, (which is pretty much the greatest secret to eternal success, btw 🔑 ). And sometimes the price came as the need to sit still, to stop running; to show up consistently enough that others would have the opportunity to Love me so that I could learn to receive Love. So that I could learn how to give Love.
With every hardship, every struggle, every sleepless night and every desire and justification to “sit this one out”, run toward a different direction or quit, with support of the Holy Spirit and those precious folks God placed around me, I pushed through. I was called batsh*t crazy to my face and heard only a few of the unsupportive things that weren’t said to my face. But I didn’t quit. Can’t stop won’t stop.
And so now, the last step before a new level of life lies beneath my feet and like every time before, I have the option to sit this one out and wait another few years before this season comes back around (it often does)- or get up and step through that gate, not knowing what might jump out at me from the right or offer itself from the left (maybe that garage door will open to reveal fixin’s for a startup that needs a heart), or how I’d get over that fence if I need to. Who even knows- in the time it’s taken me to write this and for you to read it, maybe someone’s already come to knock that fence down. Or brought a ladder. Or a big trampoline and pie. Or a helicopter to take me to a plane that will take me somewhere white sand-exotic so that I may lay in a hammock and write to you about how tough life is, laying in a hammock somewhere white sand-exotic, especially if there’s no pie.
(Part of) My point is- if you’re sitting in front of an open gate, get up and walk through it. The other part that I didn’t allude to, because you’ve probably heard this your entire life- please close the gate behind you. If you don’t, the dog’ll get out, and that’s just an unnecessary inconvenience for the person whose backyard you’ve been trespassing.